Why do we go back to the ones who hurt us? Or why do we even still care about them?
I have a really bad pattern of going back to guys that hurt me, and once again, I am suffering because of my decisions. The answer to this question took a lot of self-reflection. It has not been easy and the past two months I have reached some of the lowest points in my life. There still isn’t a day that goes by where something doesn’t remind me of you, or where a certain memory doesn’t pop up. It takes some serious self-talk to get myself out of those dark thoughts. My mind starts to wander and suddenly my gut hurts and my hearts racing. The pain comes rushing back and it’s out of my control. Not one day goes by without at least a glimpse of that happening. The shame and feelings of worthlessness come back, and though it happens less that it used to, it still comes in little waves. If their memory is still so obviously painful then why do we still choose to go back or why do we even care about them at all?
I think this can show you how much you respect yourself. And in reflecting on this pattern that has been a staple of the last six years of my life, I’ve finally realized and come to terms with my reality.
I do not respect myself or love myself.
My perception of my personal situation with my ex is that he is so attractive on the outside to other people that he could do 20 times better than me in under 30 seconds. I know it and I know everyone else thinks it. When I hit those feelings of sadness after the break up, the reason I can’t break free from them is because I don’t blame him for leaving. In turn I get so much more upset because I feel so alone. I feel like he isn’t sad to lose me, because I don’t think he should be. I think he finally realized he could do better. I know without even a shred of doubt that he can find someone skinnier, prettier, and better than me in an instant. He could have pretty much any girl on the planet so why would he choose me? I wouldn’t choose me if I was him. I don’t blame him for leaving because I never understood why he was with me in the first place. 
That is a really hard reality to live with. I barely even looked at myself in the mirror for a month because I was so ashamed for thinking that way. The problem with this thinking besides the obvious is that this is also how I justify his actions towards me. I justify his behaviors with all my insecurities, by believing that I don’t deserve better. These are some pretty deep insecurities that I have that are really sad and show how little respect and love I have for myself. It’s hard to face this type of thinking. It’s hard to write it down, it’s hard to read it, it’s hard to work on it, and obviously putting this on the internet is going to be really hard. I want people to know that the reason they keep putting up with the wrong love is because of their insecurities with themselves. More importantly I want them to realize they aren’t alone. Feeling unworthy of love and lacking self-respect feels like a lonely dark place to be, but you’re not actually alone. 

We can’t focus on what we aren’t in comparison to our previous partner. That’s a long journey with self-loathing and misery. If we have this perceived notion that we do not deserve better than they way they’re treating us, the way they’re taking advantage of us, then we will never get better. We need to start focusing on what we are. Respect and love yourself for the person you are. You can’t compare yourself to your ex partner or anyone else as hard as that is in our society. If you keep focusing on others and your perception of what you lack, you’ll never get better. Self-love and respect are the two most important foundations to build for yourself. The journey to finding peace with yourself isn’t easy and you have to take a hard look at all the negative influences around you. But if we all realized that we aren’t alone in this struggle with insecurities we would be more united and have more acceptance of ourselves. Once we can recognize our insecurities and start working toward overcoming them, we will stop allowing the wrong kind of people into our lives. We will realize that we deserve better than the way they treat us and it will allow us to make better decisions for our lives. If you respect yourself you won’t allow someone in your life who doesn’t respect you. Instead of returning to those who hurt us we can realize our worth and respect ourselves more than to put up with that.