Just when I think I know what direction my life is heading and the people it’s heading with the universe shifts and everything is different. Lately it feels like I’m always saying goodbye or hello. I am always arriving and departing. It’s not appealing to me to be in one place for too long anymore, or around the same people for too long. I used to be the most stable person I knew, always doing the same routine every day and hanging out with the same people. It brought me comfort and was what I wanted. I used to hear people talk about switching from one thing to the next and it would give me anxiety. I liked having my routine and sticking to the same old thing. I liked having my own place, and tending to my plants on the porch, hanging out with my friends and boyfriend on the weekend, meal prepping on Sunday’s, working the same shift at work week after week, and packing my lunch for my 9-5 during the week days. It made me so happy when I had that lifestyle through college, I absolutely loved it.
But lately I’ve been feeling lost, or like I don’t fit in because I don’t even know that girl anymore. I can’t stand being in the same place for too long or around the same people. I hate the idea of being stuck in one city, one job, one relationship, and repeating the same boring steps over and over again like a robot. As soon as my life turns into a routine I get bored and unhappy. I crave the next adventure. The next series of goodbye’s that lead to new hellos. It is all so exciting and scary. But now it seems like as soon as I start a new adventure somewhere I get bored after a couple of months and want to relocate or do something I’ve never done before. I am like a life thrill seeker now and it always surprises me compared to the person I thought I was, and the lifestyle that I thought was going to make me happy. It feels like I started my twenties out seeking a certain lifestyle, and now at 25 I have completely changed my mind on what I want that to look like. I used to think people like me were crazy and unstable. So now when I try to explain my life current life choices to people I just want to tell them I understand. I understand why what I am doing right now isn’t ordinary or normal compared to my normal actions and decisions. I understand why my actions might appear different or unstable to you. But I am not who I used to be, feelings changed, people moved on, and the things that used to make me happy and safe…stopped.
The best example is a memory I have that I think about almost every week. Back in 2013 I was scared of heights and honestly pretty much everything. You name something and it gave me anxiety and I was scared to try it. But this specific memory is when I wouldn’t even attempt to do a vertical ropes course because I was so nervous. I probably would not have even tried if it wasn’t because I was trying to impress a boy at the time. I barely got up the ladder before I quit and got down. I remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I didn’t even want to try it for so many reasons. I was afraid of heights, I was afraid I wasn’t strong enough, I was afraid I was too heavy for someone to belay me, and so much more “what ifs” came flushing through my head. I hated doing outdoor adventures like that. I hated going off the trail during a hike, or climbing up and down steep hills. I did not really care for hiking, I hated climbing, and I would have never imagined backpacking Europe by myself. The thought of that would have sent me over the edge. Now I climb 70 foot walls rock climbing, being outdoors hiking is where I am whenever I can squeeze in the time, and this trip I’m taking to Europe is virtually unplanned. I am just winging it, meeting people, and wandering around Europe alone. I am 100% not the person I was 4 years ago, I am the complete opposite. And four years ago I would have never believed you if this is who you said I would be today. But right now days before I am getting ready to leave it feels like this is exactly where I am meant to be. It feels completely right. Even though it’s the risky thing I’ve ever done.
It’s scary looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself anymore. It’s almost unbelievable the person I’ve grown into to in just 4 years. The transition hasn’t been easy, at times I really struggled with wanting that other life but being so drawn toward this one. I’ve never been the risk taker, or the “lost” soul, I always stayed on the safe path. Being stable and in one place bores the hell out of me, and so does picking one career path. I just want to try and do it all, and embrace the change that comes with everything. It’s hard because with change inevitably comes loss, whether it’s relationships with people or places, but I think that’s the price we pay to be happy and discover ourselves fully. The road to self discovery is bumpy but it’s inevitable. You have to go through it. To grow with yourself and become all these different identities that you can associate with is truly amazing. It’s realizing that we don’t have to be just one thing, for example “the jock” “the nerd” “the blonde” “the outdoorsy type.” Our potential is so much bigger than that, the people we can help is endless and the adventures we can go on is limitless. We can be as many as identities as we want to be, and we will probably be a lot over time. You don’t have to fit into one category and you don’t have to be a certain category your whole life. Life changes so much because we are constantly changing; our wants, aspirations, and desires. That might make you feel lost and like you don’t fit in at times but maybe that’s just the worlds way of telling you it’s time for your next adventure.