I’m laying down in the grass at Tiergarten in Berlin. I’ve been alone traveling now for the last 48 hours. It’s amazing how much different being alone is. I’ve had a lot of time to think, and not think at all. I can go wherever, see whatever, feel whatever completely alone. Just me. As free as I’ve ever been and probably as quiet as I’ve ever been. I’ve probably said less than 100 english words in the past 48 hours.

 

During my walk I started thinking about the picture how I expected my life to look this year, and also how I wanted my life to look at 25. You often reflect back on your life and where you are to look at this picture of life drawn up by your expectations. A lot of times the reality of your life looks more foreign than the expectations you had, yet every day you get up and try to reach those expectations you’ve set. It’s hard to get up for life when that picture you’ve set up in your mind looks nothing like the one you’ve created for yourself. Life gets so mixed up sometimes from what you thought it would be and it’s painful. It hurts. You wish, hope, and pray for it to mold into what your expectations wanted it to be. You cry, get depressed, angry, frozen, or you hurt people who care about you most. All so you can desperately try and mold that picture into what you wanted it to be.

 

You will never learn that your expectations cannot paint that picture entirely until you realize that you are not the sole artist of the painting. Your painting blends with the paintings of others. Which is a combination of expectation, reality, and decisions. A series of all three. Sometimes the things in the painting you wanted to be present are not, or they’ve changed from being divine pieces to somber. Their role has changed and taken your painting in a new direction that looks foreign.

 

As you evaluate your painting for what it is today don’t focus on what is missing, or what has changed into sadness. Focus on what became of those moments of weakness or sadness. Don’t get upset when your expectations aren’t met, instead look at the beautiful unexpected things that emerged from that pain. Focus on the strength you showed every day as a human. You showed up every day and fought through it all even when it felt impossible. Even when living felt harder than dying. You showed up and tried to embrace the change every day. When you do that, when you decide to show up to life every day and push the pain aside, little by little that picture you used to desperately seek and long for becomes foreign. And the all pain was worth the divine painting you have now.