I used to solely be on the side of no friendship after a relationship, mostly for bitter reasons, but I am now a believer of friendship post-break up. I think there are a lot of different factors that go into this question, it’s a case by case situation, but for the most part I think once you’ve resolved those romantic feelings it’s possible to be friends with your ex.

Logically, it makes sense that you want to continue a friendship. You spent countless years with the person, told them your deepest secrets, and shared intimate experiences together. You share countless memories, good and bad. As your romantic relationships fade and eventually come to an end because of life, how can you throw that friendship away? How after sharing so many memories and supporting each other for years can we walk away from each other in opposite directions and pretend like none of it happened. Pretend like we are strangers passing through life that shared a not so important chunk of our lives together?

My most recent ex was one of my closest friends for four years. I bet everyone reading this can relate to a relationship where you bonded closely with your partner as a friend and romantically. You get really close to your significant others when you’re dating, there are times when you prefer them over your friends. They are the eyes and ears to all your drama, all your struggles, everything. They are the last person you talk to before bed and the first person you talk to in the morning. It’s honestly terrifying to think about how much my ex knows about me considering where our relationship is now. But he was there for me when I needed him to be for a really long time.  He was my person for a good amount of time. But then as the relationship started to crumble and the lies started, he lost that role. For a year, he wasn’t my closest friend, he became someone I wasn’t sure if I could trust at all. He wasn’t there for me like I needed him to be or like he had been in the past and he was the reason I was going through so many life changing events. And the reason my life shifted into a really negative way. For awhile he was the reason behind all my tears, but the only reason it hurt so badly is because he was one of my best friends, and I knew I was losing him. It’s the mix between feeling betrayed by a best friend and feeling heartbroken by a significant other that leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth at the end. So what happens next? After you guys finally decide to call it quits? Can you still be friends or do you throw away those years of friendship over a break up? Am I supposed to pretend he doesn’t exist and that those really great years of friendship didn’t exist either? Can you be friends with someone who threw you into depression not once, but twice, who crushed your heart into a million little pieces because he didn’t want what you wanted? Can you honestly just be friends?

I believe if you have both moved on you can be friends. You have to truly move on, not just distract yourself with other people masking the feeling of that past relationship, I mean actually move on. And that takes a lot of work. You can’t just brush those feelings under your bed have an implusively satisfying summer filled with distractions to help you mask the pain. Time doesn’t heal all wounds unless you’re tending to them. Moving on is hard and it doesn’t just take time, it takes work with yourself. Moving on for me was finally being able to see my life as it was, without him in it, and be happy with it. I stopped imagining us getting back together again one day like all romantic tales are supposed to end. I embraced and accepted the fact that wasn’t how my love story would end with him and then I was able to come to terms with him finding someone who suits him better as well. I let go of the idea that I was his soulmate, or the only one who would make him happy like I had always wanted and I let go of the idea that he was mine. It wasn’t easy, it was really hard, I cried a lot, lost a lot of friends, grew closer with a lot of friends, made new friends, ate a lot, ate nothing, wrote, traveled, cried again, and took a lot of risks, changed the course of my life, but I happily made it to the other side feeling better than ever. And feeling confident that this time I spent enough time working on myself that I wouldn’t fall back into that trap anymore.

You have to get the idea of that person coming back into your life as a romantic partner out of your head.

I repeat.

You have to get the idea of that person coming back into your life as a romantic partner out of your head. You have to, otherwise when you try being friends with them you will find yourself playing weird games to get them to fall in love with you again. It starts out as innocent but it’s so easy to fall back into that trap. Set boundaries, if they start to break those boundaries tell them. Be open with them about your expectations. You can’t let them fall back into that emotionally supportive role. It’s not appropriate and it won’t allow you to connect to other people romantically. You’re friends, just friends, not emotionally supporting each other anymore. That is not what your friendship looks like anymore.

If you’ve really moved on, a friendship can work. It’s hard and not always flawless. There are times when news from them might hurt a little, like that stabbing pain in your stomach, because they’re living their life without you, and contrary to what you’ve told yourself, they’re actually functioning and happy. But that’s okay. It’s okay to miss them, and miss what you used to be. You lost something, it’s healthy to miss things that once meant the world to you.  Keep those boundaries up and don’t look for your ex to comfort you. They’re just a friend now, not a best friend like you used to be, just a friend. You might have the flash backs of the fun times you shared but you’ve embraced that memory for what it is; the past. You’ve embraced that past memories are great but just because something was fun in your past, doesn’t mean it belongs in your future.

So I guess the answer is that you can be friends. You just can’t be friends like you used to be. Your friendship is different now and if that is too hard for you to handle then you probably haven’t honestly moved on from the break up. It is sad at first to miss the friendship as it was, but not everything is meant to last. It’s okay to miss the memory, but make sure you remember the reality. The reality is that not everything from your past is meant to be a significant part of your future, but it is a part because it helped shape you into who you are today. You wouldn’t be where you are today if it wasn’t for some of those failed relationships and that’s a hard pill to swallow. But no matter how much you hate your ex, it’s true. Your relationship with them all the good and all the bad, in some way, shaped the reflection looking back at you in the mirror. And personally I feel stronger because of it.