I’ve been pacing this airport for an hour. Mindlessly walking up and down the terminal. Trying to have the rhythm of the music in my earphones drown out my anxiety. As my music fails to drown out my thoughts I start thinking about what got me here. Why did I finally decide to leave? What finally pushed me to seek adventure instead of routine? I remember thinking this lifestyle was impossible. I thought it was dangerous, risky, and feared people judging my level of success with life. But here I am, taking the plunge regardless of those deeply rooted beliefs and it makes me wonder. They say life is a serious of choices, each one leading your life in a certain direction. So what choice brought me here? Was it a series of choices or just one?

Was is when I decided to stop chasing after you? Or was it when you decided to leave me? Was it when you decided you had finally had enough of having me around again? I always search for moments. I search for the moment where it all changed. The moments that define the beginning of new moments. The moment where you decided that living your life without me was better than living it with me? I haven’t been thinking of you lately, but for some reason all I’m thinking of right now is you. As I pace the weird flat escalator, up and down the international terminal, hours before my flight, you’re consuming my thoughts. My brain is desperately searching for little moments, getting completely lost in thought, missing out on the present thinking about the past.

Then it pops into my head. Are you the reason I’m here? Was your decision the one that shaped my decision to come here? I don’t want you to be. I don’t want you to have any part of the good moments in my life, or any credit for the good decisions. You’ve already consumed my head with the bad. I don’t want the reason I make these choices from now on to be a product of what you did to me. I don’t want my choices to be influenced by you. If my current choices are a product of me trying to fix what you broke, then ultimately they are because of you. I want to know I made these choices myself, without your involvement.

Little moments of time made up by choices. Now here I am again in an unfamiliar place thinking of you. Wondering.

And I cannot wait till that stops.