I feel so sad that my ex-boyfriend betrayed me. We were best friends and instead of being honest with me like he usually is I slowly felt us slipping away and him slipping into her. Secret by secret he shared with her about me, about us, I slowly went mad. I used to be his closest confidant and I felt that security in the deepest part of my soul. The moment I felt our relationship morphing into something else I lost my sanity, I felt worthless. When you feel that security start to fade away in a relationship, you lose yourself trying to win it back.

He told me it wasn’t betrayal, that he was just sparing my feelings. He told me it was just because he didn’t love me anymore and he hadn’t loved me for awhile. How can I make your heart ache like mine did when he said that? How can I express to you the way reading that sentence over and over again killed me every time. He didn’t love me anymore. He hadn’t loved me in awhile. We were together for 5 years, we used to talk about our future together, and how we couldn’t imagine ourselves with anyone else. And now I’m reading an email with you 4,000 miles away telling me you don’t love me. I die every time I read the sentence.

If that wasn’t enough to to break my heart into millions of pieces, one snap chat story sealed the fate of our relationship. The past five years spent lifting each other up, and loving each other fully, for better or for worse. One picture slapped in into reality faster than I could blink. Two days without hearing from you while you were away, you sent one picture, a 10 second photo, telling her how sexy she was in the caption, with your drunk flirty eyes you used to give me.  Too busy to talk to me because you were talking to her. “I was busy with my friends and didn’t have cellphone service.” Everyone tried warning me that this was the guy you turned into, but I told them they were crazy because I thought I knew and understood who you really were.

I felt so betrayed but more than that I felt humiliated. The warnings I ignored from my friends because I stuck up for you, I thought I knew you. I’ve always warned my friends about guys like this. How pathetic that it took me 5 years to learn I was dating one. Betrayal is the  biggest heartbreaker because of respect. You respect people you are honest to, you do not respect people you deceive. A snapchat photo is only supposed to last a maximum of 10 seconds. But unfortunately for me, Steve Jobs created the option to screen shot, so now that picture is carved into my memory. I wish it had expired an expiration date. Thank you anyways Steve Jobs because without you I probably would have kept pretending that my boyfriend still gave even half a shit about me.

I feel so stupid for even being sad about this, stupid that I even cared for someone who could betray me like he has, and stupid for not paying closer attention to the signs. How can we get so caught up in relationships that while we are in them we ignore facts because of emotion? I want to pretend like I feel nothing, like it doesn’t hurt, but it feels like I’m dying.

I keep telling myself that his actions are not a personal attack against who I am. I tell myself that his inability to see my worth or appreciate me is not a reflection of my worth. But it’s hard to believe that. It’s hard not to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and wonder why her? Why not me, why wasn’t I enough? How could I be so disposable to someone used to be so in love with me. Where does all that love go? And when did it start to fade away?

The first man I’ve ever truly loved left my feeling more betrayed and heartbroken than I ever have in my life so far. While I mourn the death of this relationship I’m going to binge watch Grey’s Anatomy while simultaneously listening to the Lumineers in my bed, and try to figure out where it all went wrong. Try to figure out how I could have changed myself and the steps I’ve taken up to this point. Try to figure out how I did not see this coming, and how I defended him to everyone around me for so long. How could I be so dumb? How I am ever going to trust anyone again? Try to figure out how the person I love next won’t fall out of love with me again. There must be something better out there, because to feel like you’re living for someone who doesn’t see you, is death.